Desert Storms & Thieving Bastards, Cusco

Bombs, beers n' bitches. Just another night out, here in Cusco. This whole town is one great conspicuous fermenting nose-bleed. I thought Mancora was a wild ride...that week long splurge was merely suckling down upon mothers sweet milk in comparison. There's some podgy Dutch guy manging this legless mess of a dress against the bar, while two buffed up rugby playing Kiwi lads are battling off naked on top of the pool table, in a game of tug 'o war with leather belts hooped over their heads. One of these same guys winds up spear tackling this feisty little Canadian chick flat to the ground...not too long actually after she'd hostaged my packet of crisps & tab menu, until I'd accepted her challenge to a rap-off over the top of a lousy Missy Elliot song. Ahhh shit son, this is a place of pilgrimage to most; Inca Trails, Machu Picchu, The Amazon Jungle & Ausangate...all we've seemed to do so far is throw our hands up into the air and partied till our livers pop. Day one, had me a tiny bit too excited; straddled a top the wooden decks smashing free shots from an Austrian table trotter & then somehow two nights later, I find myself pouring similar drunk fuckers drinks from over the other side. Six months of freedom, and now I'm 'trapped' working in an Irish pub. I am 100% doomed. I've lived a pretty good life, I'd just like to say. 22 years of swaggling. About time to sign off...Booyah!!

I'd spent a hell of a lot of days kicking about Huaraz by the time I actually left. Goldilocks & Brisso had left a few days earlier, to hit up Lima for the weekend, but my plan was to power on through the big city and avoid the claustrophobic mayhem. As I've said often before, I hate the large cities; and to be honest I can't say I felt too disappointed or deprived when I actually did skip on through the grey-glum. An hour or so changing buses & I was out of there - bound for Ica to reunite once again with our crew. I still had the shits I'd had trouble with on the Huayhuash, and hadn't been feeling all that famished for the long trip; but by the time I eventually hopped off that bus, I was starving!! I no longer craved the once popular soup, rice, potato & meat staple that I'd been downing daily since Colombia - I dreamed of scones & pies & green Thai curries...a bag full of jam cakes & cookies would have to do the trick unfortunately for now. With all my goods, I bounced into a tuk-tuk for the short commute out to Huacachina. I love these beasts. Definitely one thing I need back home. How...??...of yet I am not quite sure; but just imagine cruising Hobart in one of these steeze machines, decked out like Donkey Kong - beats blaring while that (kind of) roof looking umbrella thing protects me from all those terrible Tassie UV rays. I was blown away by the changing scenery as we neared the town. The oasis of Huacachina is beautiful - maybe the water itself isn't all that inviting (hundreds of years worth of stagnant grime), but the tranquillity of the place is undeniable. Around the lagoon are groves of palms & patches of beach, while perfectly formed sand dunes rise sharply skyward hundreds of feet high on either side. I tried to wander about for a while & take it all in, but I was wrecked; and it wasn't long before I passed out in the hostel.

The oasis of Huacachina

"The poor mans Galapagos??" That was the word on the street. Guess I'd better check that out. The guys hadn't rocked up yet so I had a bit of time to kill; I thought an early morning excursion to the nearby Ballestas Islands might prove a hit. Actually, I can't say I really had overly high expectations. Some of these short touristy trips turn out to be pretty boring & slightly gay. But more often than not, I've found myself pleasantly surprised. 'Optimism' my friends. What a treat to have. Haha!! In hindsight, this one poor ol' boatman probably wasn't feeling it pulsing through him that morning. Just as we were walking along the jetty to board our own vessel, the wayward skipper plowed his own into the adjacent pier!! Crash!! Man, it was lucky no one was hurt really. I was glad not to be hitched up with him to be honest. Anyway, we were off, woohoo!! The morning air was fresh, and the hasty journey out to the islands was freezing - and that's coming from me!! First we stopped and looked at some Nazca-esque like patterns in the sand dunes, before continuing out to the actual reserve. Now, I'd heard there were a lot of birds flapping about out here...but dude, there were A LOT of birds flapping about out here!! The sky was nearly blacked out, much like it is when a colony of bats passes on by. The shorelines shifted with movement, as if scuttling crabs were migrating in their millions. There were penguins, cormorants, booby's & pelicans. Standing proud posing on protruding rocks, or lazing about on the beach were the sea-lions. I'd never seen so many in one single place before either - it was incredible. They would pop their heads up out of the water, not too far from our boat, as if coming to say a friendly "Heya!! Good morning to ya'll!!" As well as the wildlife, the islands also boasted some pretty cool geological formations. Isolated outcrops, deep canal like tunnels & countless natural arches. Although it was a short outing, and also not the most liveliest; I'm glad I took the time to visit. I'd still love to get to the Galapagos one day, but until then...the poor man prevails!!

Mass of animals @ The Ballestas Islands

I spent the rest of that arvo chilling out in hammocks by the lagoon, with some of the girls I met on the tour. I'd discovered a new found love for potato crisps, and a whole packet went down in the mean time while we sat and talked smack about all things sensational. I was fairly amped-up for the dune buggy tour later on this evening; I'd been kicking back gazing up at these sand mountains towering above us for most of the day, conjuring the best tactic I could muster to fly down the fuckers as fast as humanly possible. Turns out you go pretty damb fast face first!! The buggy ride was like a roller coaster; our driver had us close to slipping out sideways on some of the sharper corners, and I was fairly certain it would have taken me no longer than 10 minutes to flip the entire thing myself. What was I saying about tuk-tuks earlier?? I take it back. I want one of these!! What a buzz...and the rolling desert landscape all around us was other worldly!! Wax those buggers up, and you're away. It felt like I'd ripped my arse apart coming off on one particular nasty stack. After about six or seven goes on the boards, we sat up on the dunes & watched the sun set over our new found playground.

Sunset over the desert

All the while, Brisso & Goldilocks had arrived in the mean time. I thought it would be best to wait an extra day for these guys, and then we could all cruise up to Cusco together. The day wasn't wasted in the slightest. I think I had more fun climbing up the dunes myself, straight up from town, with a board I'd picked up for a mere 5 soles. It was hard work getting up, but the bombs were worth it!! We were annihilating the speeds we were peaking at the previous day. I just slapped on as much wax as I could & tried my best to keep the line straight & steady. Only thing was, you ate shit once you finally did bail. That was guaranteed; and the gruelling climbs back up to the top spoiled all that technique wisdom that you'd gain by the time you'd reached the bottom. Our last run was the best, and had us scooting straight back into town, covered from head to toe, ear to ear in sand. "To the pub!!"...and to the pub we went, break-dancing in a beats blasting deserted club as empty as the surrounding emptiness. That night reached its climax when I accidentally kicked the hottest girl there in the face, trying to do a cartwheel.

Happy 50th birthday Sal!! Gone boarding...

The next day we left Huacachina, bound for the lines. I guess it's a much nicer experience from the air, but in my opinion Nazca is a shit hole. Maybe it was just the series of unfortunate events that plagued us for the entire day, that really determined why I will now forever hate the place. First off, we got robbed on our bus. I'd been mentioning to Goldilocks as we boarded, how glad I was to be able to keep all my gear with me, under my seat on all the buses I'd been on so far this trip. Fucking jinxed myself hey...the top of my bag had been hacked open with some kind of pocket-knife I guess. The thing that really pissed me & rubbed salt into the wound, was the fact that I'd had one foot on it the entire ride!! I showed the bus driver as we got off - "blehh..." what a tosser!! It then became apparent Brisso had lost out on his luck worse than me. I hadn't actually had anything stolen, just fished through unsuccessfully. I'd been laughing at Brisso passed out sooo obviously across two bus seats earlier on. Seems like someone else was taking notice to. It wasn't until we got off that he realised his camera & MP3 player were stolen. What a bitch!! It was one of those situations where you feel completely depleted; when all faith in the goods of human nature have failed you. I hadn't felt this low since I had the shit kicked out of me by three fuck wits when I was totally smashed one night, dressed in my best giant banana suit. There was not much we could do - we simply booked our bus ticket out of there for later that night, and hopped on the next commute to the Nazca lines view tower. Despite telling the driver about five times where we wanted to get off, he decided to drop us a good hours walk or so down the scorching hot highway. What more, we couldn't step off the road as there were apparently land mines everywhere. There also wasn't much to the mirador either, hey...it looked like someone had just ran across a dirt footy field with a giant garden hoe, skitzing on your stock standard acid trip. Oh well, we tried - and we did manage to score a free hitch back into town with some hilarious old local guys, who only seemed educated in talk of Peruvian anal sex & gold mining.

The road to fucking nowhere!! Walking back to Nazca

So after a very long overnight bus ride we finally arrived in the famed city of Cusco. I was oh so happy, I have to say. Actually, some chick had her lap top stolen on that bus ride too!! At least that gave Brisso a pal for the cop shop. Thieving bastards. This leg between Lima - Cusco was seeming the worst of any I'd yet encountered as far as petty crime is concerned. While Brisso sorted his life out, Goldilocks & I took a stroll through the main plaza and found Starbucks!!! Life was good again. Then somehow we ended up on some skit for Brazilian television with two idiotic, but smokin' hot presenters. All we had to do was dance a bit and look down the lens & say something I couldn't decipher. After that, everything else is a blur. I explored parts of the old city, got shit-faced playing beer-pong & even scored myself a job. We ended up in Club Groove at some point that night, where by 5 o'clock I was far flung into believing I was some kind of black rights revolutionary. The bouncer tried to have me kicked out but I refused, stood my ground, and transformed my imaginary persona even further into madness. We didn't make it out till day light. I thought someone had tried to kidnap Brisso, but he'd actually in reality already left much earlier while trying to pick up some fat chick. Then there was the Kiwi lads. Woahhh shit...what a wild ride they've some how survived. My favourite was when one of the guys, who'd been by now on a 3 day bender, decided to finish off his sheppards pie 'New Zealand style', kitted out in some kind of Yellow Submerine Beatles outfit with a motorbike helmet & a drawn on handlebar moustache..."this is how we do it in New Zealand!!" His face fell flat into the plate...

View over Cusco

To be honest, there are too many hilariously funny (or shall I put it - strange) moments from the past week to possibly fit into one tidy monologue. I'm not even going to try. They are bound to stay etched in my memory for many more years to come. May the good times continue!! T-Bomb time!! God bless, Wild Rover!!

Yeaaa...I'm not too sure what this is...

Just wanted to say a massive "fuck yea!! shazam!!" to all the posse here in Cusco. It's been a wild ride so far, let's keep it coming. Goldilocks, Brisso, Red-head, Dick, AusMatt, NZMatt, ThirdReich, Hollandians & to the rest of the lads @ Wild Rover...you're all truly RawMo'Fockers!!!

Much luvin' as always,
LilTazDevs. xxxxx